No Bikinis Allowed

Elle Macpherson has banned bikinis for girls auditioning for her “Next Top Model” show.

We started off putting the girls in bathing suits, but when I saw the first lot come in I just thought, ‘I can’t do this to them. It’s not fair.’

Well, my heart sank a little upon seeing Elle rail against swimsuits. But out of respect for her wishes, here are the only non-swimsuit swimsuit-issue photos I could find of her.

Happy Birthday, Petra Nemcova

This gorgeous survivor has been on this earth for 32 years.

Heavenly Jessica

I'm pretty sure the first angel in this commercial is Jessica Perez.

It's perverse to say this, but I'm kind of looking forward to February.

Happy Birthday, Jessica White

This is one of the greatest pics of Jessica, and it’s absolutely perfect for One-Piece Wednesday.Happy 27th.

Rose to the Occasion

In the 2004 swimsuit issue, each model answered a short “get-to-know-you” survey. Cover girl Veronica Varekova declared that the person she’d like to meet was Charlie Rose.

Coincidentally or not, Veronica appeared on Charlie Rose shortly thereafter, along with Diane Smith. However, as you can see from the interview, Veronica actually seems a little bored and tired.

She does, however, rock the sexy librarian look.Meanwhile, Rose pretends to fumble over some obscure facts about the… how did you refer to it? “Swim-suit issue”?

“Ellie Mc—Elle Macphurson has been on the cover more than anyone else, right? Uh… Is it Kathy Ireland? Kathy, right? She’s been in more often than anyone else.”

Daniela calls him on it: “You do know about the issue! You know more than I do!”

In any case, it’s Veronica’s 34th birthday today, so let us celebrate this hypnotic, level-gazed 8-time model.Shine on, you sexy Gemini.

The Year of Kate Continues

Kate Upton has been crowned the Woman of Summer, 2011 by Esquire.One thing I’ll point out from her interview:

I mean, listen: I like my bikinis very small, and I also like, uh, nude-colored bikinis because people double-take — they think I'm naked on the beach. [Laughs a sinister laugh.] So if you see someone in a nude bikini that's extremely tiny, it's probably me.

This “I love wearing small bikinis” narrative is pretty common to these types of interviews. Brooklyn Decker, Julie Henderson, Daniella Sarahyba—I even remember an Elle Macpherson interview from my childhood in which she expressed disappointment that nude sunbathing is not allowed here in the States, unlike in her native Australia. (I believe it was on Johnny Carson, so it was probably followed by “Whoooo”s from the audience.)

I wonder. Is there simply an exhibitionist personality in the type of person who becomes a swimsuit model? Or is it a more cynical brand-building act of deliberate titillation? These girls know what a rush it is to hear a bikini model talking about how much she loves wearing bikinis, so they plant the seeds of obsession in their audience.

I am overanalyzing this, I know.

One other thing:

…when I was in junior high, I used to be made fun of — for being flat-chested. Everyone would go, "She's not pretty! She doesn't have boobs!" So I always had boob envy. And when finally I went through my growth spurt, and they appeared, and I just... I loved them. So that's why I like boobs, because I didn't have them, and then I got 'em.

When I read this, I imagined a thirteen-year-old Kate Upton wandering the halls of my junior high school in the ’80s, being pointed to and laughed at because of her flat chest. Then I realized I’d have to rework that image, because obviously Kate is younger than me, and this would not have taken place in the ’80s.

Then I did the math.

Kate turned thirteen in 2005. This boob story is just a few years old.I’m going to lie down for a while.

Bar-roke

If this is true, she should probably stay supine while it heals.
No, no, Bar, you just undid all that healing. Back in bed.

One-Piece Wednesday: Raica Oliveira, 2007

Things are dismal and drizzly in my neck of the woods.It just seemed like the day needed a little Raica.

Not So Sweet

An interesting kerfuffle arose recently when Cadbury ran this ad:...and Naomi Campbell took offense at what she perceived as a racial slur.

Do I think the comparison was meant to be racial, likening the color of chocolate to the color of Naomi’s skin? No.

Do I think it was a dumb, dumb move on Cadbury’s part? Yes.

They could have picked a “diva” of any other race, and no one would have blinked. But I’m kind of agog that no one in Cadbury’s marketing department stopped and said, “Wait—does this leave us open to accusations of racism?

Mystery Butt Revealed

Last year, I wondered who the third bikini belonged to in this tweeted photo:The mystery is revealed in this still from one of the 2011 videos. She is Alyssa Miller.Alyssa, Julie, and Irina all shot in Hawaii this year, and they look absolutely amazing in their Starburst-colored suits.I have to say, of the three, cover girl Irina comes in third. Julie absolutely sets the beach ablaze. (Interesting side note: her Hawaii hair is more disheveled, while her Fiji hair is more styled.)She may have reclaimed the mantle from Jessica Gomes as my favorite current model. I still say she should have gotten the cover.

Alyssa is magnificent. Those full lips, those Brooke Shields eyebrows, that glare dripping with sex. And let’s not beat around the bush, she’s awe-inspiring south of the face as well.Make no mistake, though. Irina holds her own.Gracious.

Happy Birthday, Kate the Great

It's Kate Upton's world. We're just living in it.Happy 19th birthday. If you promise not to tell anyone, I'll let you have a sip of Champagne.

Claudia Guarnieri

One-Hit Wonder: Yasmin Brunet, 2008

Two of my favorite swimsuit issue paradoxes: Jessica White is black, and Yasmin Brunet is blonde.This is Yasmin’s mom, by the way.Happy 23rd, Yasmin.

Happy Birthday, Bar and Tori

Mind those bottoms, girls.
On this day in 1985, Israel gave us Bar Refaeli.
One year later, Hawaii gave us Tori Praver.
Let us gaze upon these two glorious specimens from the late aughts.Happy 26th, Bar, and happy 25th, Tori.

BONUS:
Tori is now a swimwear designer, and one of her bikinis was featured in 2011, on the lovely body of Izabel Goulart.There’s something heartwarming about that.