White Swimsuit Week, 2011: Part One

It is the week before Labor Day. That means we begin saying goodbye to summer, and it’s the last week you’re allowed to wear white. So let’s parade some white swimsuits while it is still legal to do so.



First, the aptly named Jessica White, from 2004.

2011 in Review

So, we’re half a year past the 2011 issue. Let’s take a look back.

Weirdest SuitsBrooklyn Decker’s lion design.
Damaris Lewis’s “groped-by-shadows” one-piece.
Kenza Fourati’s bikini bottom constructed of jimmies.
Oddest TrendCoral as decorative fan.
Toplessest GirlJessica White appears without her top in 9 of her 42 online photos, which is over 21%.
Most Amazing OutieIzabel Goulart’s bellybutton enters a room a few seconds before the rest of her does.
Most Titillating RevelationShannan Click has done some bondage photography, and not just in the suggestive way my sick brain tends to see.A couple years ago, she did some sort of artsy/kinky fashion spread for something called Exit magazine. (NSFW)
Early 2012 Cover Predictions?#3: Brooklyn Decker
#2: Julie Henderson
#1: Kate Upton

When You Ogle the Swimsuit, The Swimsuit Also Ogles You

Every so often, a face peers out from the body of a swimsuit model. This phenomenon can be anywhere on a spectrum from cute to disturbing.

Take this 1990 photo of Judit Masco and Akure Wall.The faces are big and friendly, cartoony and innocent. The overall effect is cute, emphasized by the models’ “speak no evil, hear no evil” poses.

Then there’s this. Michelle Lombardo from 2005, with a cat gazing from her bikini bottom.This is just as cutesy and cartoony as the previous photo, but I can’t help thinking there’s a visual pun here, one I can’t quite put my finger on, that keeps it from being categorized as “innocent.”

(In 2011, Brooklyn Decker took the cat imagery to a whole new level.)
Then we move on to Jessica White’s painted-on suit from 2009.A Pompeii-inspired pair of eyes glares a few feet south of Jessica’s. The effect is getting unsettling.

And then there’s Stacey Williams from 1998.13 years later, and I’m still scratching my head over this one. I’m all for Jesus, but as Courtney Love said in “The People vs. Larry Flynt,” “Nobody on this planet wants their religion and their porn mixed together.”

(That is Jesus, right? And Mary?)

It’s especially frustrating because Stacey is one of my all-time favorites. I frankly don’t think there are enough photos of her.

And one of them has a dose of Catholic guilt built right into it.

Happy Birthday, Jessica White

This is one of the greatest pics of Jessica, and it’s absolutely perfect for One-Piece Wednesday.Happy 27th.

If Found, Return To...

Q) Could you tell the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit models apart just by gazing at their cleavage?
A) Yes you could. Because this year, they have been labeled.

The models have been given personalized necklaces bearing their first names, and each girl wears her name for some of her shots.

Some Observations
• Shannan Click doesn’t seem to have gotten one. A careful perusal of her photos reveals no evidence of a necklace. Maybe it’s because of the odd spelling; the gift shop just didn’t have any Shannans in stock.

• On the opposite end of the spectrum is Jessica Gomes, who is wearing hers in almost every single photo.

• Speaking of Jessica, I wonder if they made two identical necklaces for Gomes and White, or if they just recycled?

• Chrissy Teigen’s says “Christine.” She was Christine in last year’s issue, Chrissy this year. These must have been surprise gifts, before Chrissy declared how she wanted to be addressed.

• Do you think these necklaces will ever be worn again? Seems a little tacky to wander into a club or a grocery store with your name dangling between your boobs, possibly more so than your zodiacal sign.

Oscar Night

The swimsuit models interpret the nominees for Best Picture:

Black Swan• • •
The Fighter• • •
Inception• • •
The Kids Are All Right• • •
The King’s Speech• • •
127 Hours• • •
The Social Network• • •
Toy Story 3• • •
True Grit• • •
Winter’s Bone

Rebus Greetings

How Did I Miss This Story?

Jessica White was arrested for assault last month.

Jessica White is awesome. While other models have come and gone, she has quietly become a swimsuit veteran, appearing in seven issues over eight years (2003-2005 and 2007-2010). That’s longer than any current model. (Not a single one of Jessica’s fellow models from 2003—or 2004—appeared in 2010. The next year to feature any current girls was 2005, which brought us Daniella Sarahyba and Anne V.)

In the process, she’s been in no fewer than three bodypainting scenarios.
2004
2005
2009
It’s almost jarring to go back and look through some older pics, flipping through the likes of Audrey Quock and Isabeli Fontana and May Andersen and Melissa Keller, thinking that 2003 and 2004 were ancient history, and suddenly there’s a picture of Jessica White, looking incredibly young:



But I have to say, I think she’s sexier now.
Damn.
She’s lost the girlishness. This is a woman.
Damn.
She also was one of the Triumvirate of Jessicas in 2009, along with Gomes and Hart.

Here are the other two, safely contained in one photo from Complex.com, so as not to inspire White’s wrath by pulling too much focus.Because you don’t want to be on the receiving end of a beatdown from—wait a second.

Look at those arms.How could “lacerations, swelling and substantial pain” come from those skinny breadsticks Jessica is using as arms?

The defense rests, your honor.

Big Bottoms

I’m a fan of bikini bottoms. Cute little high-wasted triangles of fabric that, for obvious reasons, you have to be female to wear. The V-shape really does something for me.

Jessica Gomes from 2009, would you care to demonstrate?Based on that, you’d think I’d be in a bit of a panic over a trend I noticed in the 2010 issue. Big bikini bottoms. Jessica Gomes from 2010, show them what I mean.
This isn’t even the biggest one by far. 2010 gave us pic after pic of models sporting bikini bottoms containing enough fabric to make two bikinis.Bar Refaeli

Jessica White

Julie Henderson

Brooklyn DeckerPelvis after pelvis, wallpapered. Is this a fashion trend? After years of seeing swimsuits slowly shrink, melting away from women’s bodies and exposing more and more square inches of skin, has some cabal of evil fashion designers decided that bikini bottoms have to retake their lost territory—and more? Sports Illustrated must have some significant links to the fashion world, and the swimsuit issue would be a place where a trend like that would be revealed to the general public.

I mean, look at this picture of Irina Shayk.That is the biggest bikini bottom I have ever seen in my life. Yards and yards of fabric encase her body from her upper thighs to her ribcage.

But you know what? She rocks it.

Seriously, this pic of Irina may be one of the greatest SI swimsuit pics of all time. I don’t know why it works. It’s like the suit has been beamed in from the 40s, yet it doesn’t seem stodgy.

That’s true throughout the magazine. What should strike me as looking like glorified granny panties are actually striking me as pretty sexy. Somehow, the bottoms emphasize the landscapes of the bodies a lot more intoxicatingly than skimpier ones would.

Of course, you could put these models in anything, and they’ll still look amazing. Maybe it’s as simple as that. And maybe it’s just a matter of variety. Bikini bottoms can’t get any smaller, so there’s nowhere to go but bigger.

I’m not ready to give up the tiny bottoms entirely, though. Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have to.

Jessica?