Nippled and Dimed

Vanity Fair published this video slideshow when Walter Iooss’s book “Heaven” came out. It has narration by Iooss about some of the photos, including this statement about the famous Cheryl Tiegs shot: “To have nipples showing was very provocative in ’77. And by the way, we can’t show nipples in 2010 in the magazine, so things have sort of backtracked.”

That’s kind of fascinating. I think the swimsuit issue has gotten more blatantly sexual as the years have gone by. It’s made a transition from a frolicsome diversion to a straight-up girlie magazine. (I’ll go into that some other time, probably. I have mixed feelings about it.) And yet, the nipples have disappeared, sometimes blatantly so. I remember being confused by this 1986 picture of windsurfer Jenna de Rosnay:

How could those be allowed in a mainstream magazine, one that didn’t even have to be hidden behind the counter at the 7-11? I imagined that the letter of the law stated that the nipples had to be covered, leaving a loophole regarding what they were covered with. If it was translucent, so be it. So nipples were pretty common, pre-2000.

Elle Macpherson, 1989

Stacey Williams, 1996

Heidi Klum, 1998

But they came to a hard stop around the dawn of the 21st century. Then they started to be airbrushed out, often blatantly so. Some of the more egregious examples:

Frankie Rayder, 2004

Irina Shayk, 2008

Brooklyn Decker, 2010

Jessica Perez, 2012

Some guy at a site called Celebutopia even took the liberty of scanning some uncensored 2011 photos from SI’s “Fantasy Islands” book, in which the nipples are free to be viewed behind their damp wrappings.

Alyssa Miller

Hilary Rhoda

Izabel Goulart
Why dress the models in translucent suits, only to remove the nipples? Personally, I’m not salivating to see the nipples—there are plenty of places to go for that. But the Barbie breasts are pretty distracting and unnerving.

Heidi in a Swimsuit and Less

She has a new photoshoot in the May Allure.

You Can't Spell "Maroon Five" without "V"

So I guess it's Maroon Fie now.

Anne V and what's-his-face broke up.This is downright devastating on the heels of Heidi and Seal splitting.There hasn't been this kind of crushing swimsuit-model-rocker-breakup malaise in the air since Billy Joel split with his uptown girl Christie Brinkley.Except: a bit of trivia. "Uptown Girl" was not inspired by Christie Brinkley......but by Elle Macpherson.Billy Joel got to hobnob with both swimsuit issue cover three-peaters. I can't tell if I want to high-five him or sock him in the jaw.

In any case, pressure's on, Chrissy.

Cover: Blown

I just found a blog called "Inoubliable Model Army." The author is mainly interested in the world of high fashion and runways, but he has an affinity for the SI swimsuit issue. And he calls the 2012 cover a catastrophe.

I was cautious about the cover when it was first revealed, wanting a little more time to digest. I’ve had time, and I agree: It’s flawed.It seems like this image was stitched together from disparate elements instead of being selected for aesthetic value. People love Kate Upton! Kate Upton has become synonymous with breasts! The smaller the swimsuit, the sexier! You can’t go wrong with a blonde in a red bikini!

All of those things, taken separately, are perfectly logical. But the result is like design by committee. It’s too in-your-face, too cartoonish. It’s like making Jessica Rabbit into a real person. A sexy idea, but the result would be tinged with something “off.”

…Well okay, Heidi’s Jessica Rabbit is an exception. But even there, it’s played for novelty.And besides, it’s Heidi Klum.
I don’t think it’s “the worst cover in SI Swimsuit history” like the guy at Inoubliable does. But I think he’s onto something with this description:

The image, featuring a heavily airbrushed Upton in an unflattering, awkward pose with her upper anatomy spilling out of a bikini top and bottom, would have been more appropriate on the cover of Hustler magazine.

Upton's cover photo falls victim to its own extremes, subscribing too hard to the philosophies of “bigger is better” (boobs) and “smaller is better” (bikini).

What other photos from 2012 would have made better covers? I think any of these would have been beautiful.Still sexy, still skimpy, still Upton-y. But less hysterical about it. (Heck, the issue came out on Valentine’s Day, and her bikini in that last photo is pink and covered in hearts. Perfect!)

Anyway, we have a lot more Kate in store for us, and I bet we’ll get at least one more cover out of her before SI is done with her.

Heidi Klum and Bar Refaeli ♥ 20th Annual Elton John AIDS Foundation Viewing Party

on Feb 26, 2012. I love Bar's dress and Heidi is just glowing!!! Did you know she recently got a divorce? :(

Seal Without a Kiss

Carol Alt tweeted today:That's a shame. I don't follow their personal lives at all, but I got the feeling they'd be one of the celebrity couples that would last.Well, best wishes to both of them. And I'd be remiss if I didn't take the opportunity to post a photo of a paint-bikini-clad Heidi Klum.Oh, and thanks to her fellow cover model for breaking the news.

November: Time to Give Thanks

Guyism has included several deserving SI girls in their list of the "100 women we're most thankful for in 2011."
#63 Bar Refaeli
#61 Cindy Crawford
#60 Heidi Klum
#53 Brooklyn Decker
#43 Alyssa Miller
#42 Chrissy Teigen
#38 Christie Brinkley
#30 Irina Shayk
#26 Cintia Dicker
#17 Estella Warren
#1 Kate Upton