Nippled and Dimed

Vanity Fair published this video slideshow when Walter Iooss’s book “Heaven” came out. It has narration by Iooss about some of the photos, including this statement about the famous Cheryl Tiegs shot: “To have nipples showing was very provocative in ’77. And by the way, we can’t show nipples in 2010 in the magazine, so things have sort of backtracked.”

That’s kind of fascinating. I think the swimsuit issue has gotten more blatantly sexual as the years have gone by. It’s made a transition from a frolicsome diversion to a straight-up girlie magazine. (I’ll go into that some other time, probably. I have mixed feelings about it.) And yet, the nipples have disappeared, sometimes blatantly so. I remember being confused by this 1986 picture of windsurfer Jenna de Rosnay:

How could those be allowed in a mainstream magazine, one that didn’t even have to be hidden behind the counter at the 7-11? I imagined that the letter of the law stated that the nipples had to be covered, leaving a loophole regarding what they were covered with. If it was translucent, so be it. So nipples were pretty common, pre-2000.

Elle Macpherson, 1989

Stacey Williams, 1996

Heidi Klum, 1998

But they came to a hard stop around the dawn of the 21st century. Then they started to be airbrushed out, often blatantly so. Some of the more egregious examples:

Frankie Rayder, 2004

Irina Shayk, 2008

Brooklyn Decker, 2010

Jessica Perez, 2012

Some guy at a site called Celebutopia even took the liberty of scanning some uncensored 2011 photos from SI’s “Fantasy Islands” book, in which the nipples are free to be viewed behind their damp wrappings.

Alyssa Miller

Hilary Rhoda

Izabel Goulart
Why dress the models in translucent suits, only to remove the nipples? Personally, I’m not salivating to see the nipples—there are plenty of places to go for that. But the Barbie breasts are pretty distracting and unnerving.

One-Piece Wednesday: Jarah Mariano, 2009

Interested in some non-SI, non-one-piece photos of Jarah? Brosome.com comes through.

Happy Birthday, Eva Herzigova

This three-time SI model (97, 98, 99) is 39 today.And recently, she took her place among the sexiest -ovas on earth. BroBible put together a list of the 50 Hottest Women Whose Last Name Ends in -Ova. Anyone with a working knowledge of the swimsuit issue could predict that SI models were well represented.

Anna Kournikova
Daniela Hantuchova
Daniela Pestova
Maria Sharapova
Petra Nemcova
Paulina Porizkova
Veronica Varekova

Bar and the Boys

As I hoped, there are several photos of Bar without any beefcake. And they’re gorgeous.The athlete pictures are interesting. The swimsuit issue has featured male athletes before, but always in these fairly tame (and actually pretty sweet) pairings with their wives.Wow, Debbie Clemens looks really buff, doesn’t she?
But these 2012 pics, of Rafael Nadal, Chris Paul, and Michael Phelps, are the most sexually charged, pinup-style images of men they’ve featured.I wonder what the thought is behind them. Is SI dipping its toe into trying to appeal to a female demographic? Is this (coupled with the female athletes in body paint) an attempt to force more “sports” into “Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue”?

In any case, I don’t mind it, as long as they keep the cake and the ice cream separate. The swimsuit issue fantasy involves me being the only male in existence, so there should be plenty of man-free photos of the girls.Also, I don’t want to be crass, but these are young, virile, athletic guys in their 20s, and they’re intertwining their bodies with a bikini-clad Bar Refaeli. How is every shot not just a picture of their boners?

Maybe they’re nervous. But I like to think they were coached ahead of time. “Okay, if you need a break, just signal the makeup person with this discreet hand gesture, and she’ll announce that you need some powder. You will have three minutes in the next room.”

Finally, I’m straight but I’m not blind. In the pics with Bar and Rafael Nadal, it’s almost a coin toss as to who I should be looking at.

Two Announcements

1) Women's soccer star Alex Morgan (along with two other yet-unnamed athletes) will be donning bodypaint for 2012.2) Bar is back!

Heart: Racing

The big news the other day was that a game called "Need For Speed: The Run" is going to feature a digital Chrissy Teigen and Irina Shayk, along with "mild suggestive themes."The plot: You have to drive really fast across the country to something something. And Chrissy and Irina are friends who race against you.

This makes Chrissy and Irina absolutely the first and second and third SI models to appear in a "Need For Speed" video game.

Josie Maran did the honors for "Need For Speed: Most Wanted," playing "Mia Townsend," the character who guides you through the game. Or something. I'm not a gamer.But I get Josie and Irina. They look like badass video game chicks.Chrissy is a little too cute and innocent looking.Maybe Irina does the driving, and Chrissy flicks you off in traffic and then tweets about you.

Anyway, what's lost in all this is that there's a girl who's made the opposite leap, from racecar driver to swimsuit model. Danica Patrick doesn't do much for me personally, but her second appearance, in 2009, yielded some nice shots.

The Bachelorette

Ashley Hebert just won an immunity idol or something. I don't know. Whatever. Here she is in a red bikini bottom with shells over her boobs.

National Tennis Month: Ana Ivanovic, 2010

We end National Tennis Month with Ana Ivanovic.TRIVIA: Like fellow tennis player/swimsuit model Anna Kournikova, Ana has inspired a song. “Hurricane Ana” is the creation of Serbian rapper Filip Filipi (aka “Sin”).
Opening lyric:
“They should name a hurricane after her.”

Turns out, they’ve tried to do just that. Six times.

(The song doesn’t seem to have any tennis in it whatsoever, but it does reference Donatella Versace, Islam, stocks and bonds, pelican migration, the songs of Elvis Presley and Sade, and “The Lion King.”)

Dream Rotation

SI.com recently posted a photo gallery of “First Pitches by Models and Actresses.” The gallery features six SI swimsuit girls.Here we have Marisa Miller, Monika Schnarre, Kathy Ireland, Hilary Rhoda, Alicia Hall, and Anna Kournikova. (Though I have to say, listing Anna Kournikova as a “model,” especially in a Sports Illustrated photo gallery, seems a little disrespectful. And during National Tennis Month, too! For shame, SI.)

Marisa is pitching at Wrigley Field, and Hilary is at U.S. Cellular. That’s one SI model per Chicago baseball team. Who will be the tiebreaker?Cubs win.

National Tennis Month: Tatiana Golovin, 2009

The 2009 tennis trio wraps up with Russian Tatiana Golovin.Have they found a new career in swimsuit modeling? Probably not, according to this video:

OFF-CAMERA VOICE
Which would you rather be doing, modeling or playing tennis?

MARIA
I think playing tennis.

DANIELA
Playing tennis.

TATIANA
Of course, tennis.

Fair enough. We’ll make do with Maria von Hartz, Daniela Pestova, and… We’ll have to find another Tatiana. Thank you, ladies.

National Tennis Month: Maria Kirilenko, 2009

Another 2009 "Volley of the Dolls" entry: Russian Maria Kirilenko.

National Tennis Month: Daniela Hantuchova, 2009

Three pretty tennis players hit the pages in 2009. First up: Slovak Daniela Hantuchova.By the way, I guess she has a pretty intense rivalry with Patty Schnyder, and Patty's husband kicked over Daniela's water bottle after a controversial match.

National Tennis Month: Maria Sharapova, 2006

I think Maria Sharapova looks the most like an honest-to-goodness SI swimsuit model of all the tennis players.And her hotness/skill intersect in this absolutely kickass Nike commercial:
And speaking of that trademark shriek, someone has taken it upon himself to edit together a two-and-a-half-minute sound file of Maria making that noise. It’s a little more horrifying than sexy, but the fact that someone felt compelled to create it speaks to her magnetism.

In any case, her body of swimsuit work is so impressive, maybe I should give her a second photo.

National Tennis Month: Venus Williams, 2005

The elder Williams sister shows off her powerful, tree-trunk legs.TRIVIA: The sisters have met head-to-head 23 times. Serena has the edge in those matches, 13-10.

Step it up, Venus.

National Tennis Month: Serena Williams, 2004

And we’re back to athletic. Serena Williams showed off her powerful self in 2004.And if you’re not yet convinced of the allure of tennis players, take a look at this viral ad for a video game called Top Spin 4.Serena and some random model, both of them in postapocalyptic S&M outfits, volley against each other while a pulsing beat is punctuated with the sounds of a woman engaging in some kind of passionate, sweaty exertion, like tennis.

The commercial doesn’t seem to stick around for long before getting taken down, since apparently it was a spec ad, never meant to be released. I don’t buy that. I think it was part of the plan from the beginning to release a “too hot for TV” ad.

Nevertheless, I have to say it gets a little to explicit for my tastes. Sure, tennis players are sexy, but do you have to be do blatant about it?