Panty-disestablishmentarianism

Guyism.com recently listed their picks for the 100 Sexiest Lingerie Models in the World. 17 of them are swimsuit issue girls, four of whom have been on the cover.

If Sports Illustrated is the models’ day job, here are the girls in their night jobs.

#77: Jessica Hart
#73: Jessica Perez
#52: Jarah Mariano
#49: Cintia Dicker
#45: Ana Beatriz Barros
#42: Alyssa Miller
#26: Brooklyn Decker
#24: Shannan Click
#23: Marisa Miller
#21: Raica Oliveira
#20: Izabel Goulart
#17: Isabeli Fontana
#12: Kate Upton
#10: Selita Ebanks
#7: Kim Cloutier
#6: Irina Shayk
#4: Bar Refaeli
Long live unmentionables!

Hottest Bikini Shots

A couple months ago, the folks at Complex.com put together a list of the 50 Hottest Bikini Shots of All Time. Aside from a few inaccuracies (including a hazy idea of what constitutes a “bikini”), it’s a great list.



Predictably, there are lots of SI girls, and near the end of the list it’s almost a Tourette-style tirade of swimsuit issue covers.



#44: Paulina PorizkovaThey refer to this shot as coming from 1987, but it’s from 1985. My first swimsuit issue, seared in my memory.



#43: Christie BrinkleyThey list this as from 1975, but it's actually from 1981. It was good enough for SI to recreate it with Marisa Miller almost a quarter century later.

#41: Brooklyn DeckerThe only SI girl in a non-SI setting. Nice choice.

#34: Kathy IrelandFrom Complex’s description:

“This image was a cornerstone in Ms. Ireland’s career because it was a ridiculously long time coming for the S.I. vet. After 13 consecutive appearances in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issues, she had finally earned a solo cover.”



Welllllll, 1992 was Kathy’s ninth consecutive year, not her thirteenth. (She was in twelve altogether.)



Also, she had her first solo cover three years earlier, in 1989 (the 25th Anniversary issue).



Finally, by specifying that she “finally” had a “solo cover,” they seem to imply that the cover she shared with Elle Macpherson and Rachel Hunter came out earlier than this one. In fact, it came out two years later, in 1994.



#32: Babette MarchStill a sexy photo. Babette is an artist with her own gallery now.

#30: Irina Shayk

#23: Elle Macpherson/Kathy Ireland/Rachel Hunter

#20: Niki TaylorNot what I’d call a bikini, but certainly a good choice for One-Piece Wednesday.



#18: Marisa Miller

#17: Elsa Benitez

#16:ValeriaMazza/Tyra Banks

#15: Cheryl TiegsYum. One of the giants on whose shoulders stand Irina, Marisa, Brooklyn, etc!



#14: Christie BrinkleyAnother pioneer. This may have been the skimpiest bikini on the cover to date (1981).



#12: Petra NemcovaEight years later, and she’s still adjusting those strings.



#6: Beyoncé

#2: Tyra BanksTyra’s intro to the all-bikini 1997 issue is the highest-rated SI bikini shot on the list. (I call for an asterisk, as #1 is Farrah Fawcett in a red one piece.)

If Found, Return To...

Q) Could you tell the 2012 Sports Illustrated swimsuit models apart just by gazing at their cleavage?
A) Yes you could. Because this year, they have been labeled.

The models have been given personalized necklaces bearing their first names, and each girl wears her name for some of her shots.

Some Observations
• Shannan Click doesn’t seem to have gotten one. A careful perusal of her photos reveals no evidence of a necklace. Maybe it’s because of the odd spelling; the gift shop just didn’t have any Shannans in stock.

• On the opposite end of the spectrum is Jessica Gomes, who is wearing hers in almost every single photo.

• Speaking of Jessica, I wonder if they made two identical necklaces for Gomes and White, or if they just recycled?

• Chrissy Teigen’s says “Christine.” She was Christine in last year’s issue, Chrissy this year. These must have been surprise gifts, before Chrissy declared how she wanted to be addressed.

• Do you think these necklaces will ever be worn again? Seems a little tacky to wander into a club or a grocery store with your name dangling between your boobs, possibly more so than your zodiacal sign.

Ranking the Covers

There have been 27 swimsuit issues since the first one I ever owned (1985). I thought I’d rank them, from my least favorite to my most favorite, to see where Irina’s’s 2011 cover fits.

#27: Kathy Ireland, 1992Kathy is cute, no question. But I never quite understood why she got all the marriage proposals from fraternities—other models from her era earned my obsession more readily. Still, the problem with this cover is the weird pose: kind of an action pose, kind of not. Her hair looks like she’s landing after a jump, but the rest of her body looks pretty stationary. And the point of focus seems to be the side of her body. A head-scratcher.• • •
#26: Marisa Miller, 2008If this blog had any kind of following, I think I’d get hate mail about this choice. Marisa is insanely popular, and this was her much-awaited cover—topless, no less. How could she be so near the bottom? But as is the case with Kathy, I don’t quite see what all the fuss is about. Beautiful girl, but (for me) she doesn’t stand above the crowd of beautiful girls the swimsuit issue offers.• • •
#25: Bar Refaeli, 2009Another opinion that would have a lot of people questioning my credentials. I’ve mentioned the shortcomings of this cover before, but suffice it to say that the shot they picked doesn’t live up to Bar’s otherworldly beauty.• • •
#24: Cover Model All-Stars, 2006A better fantasy than a cover. The girls all look great, and you can’t argue with all that skin. But it’s a little clumsy, and there’s no place to focus. Each of these girls’ individual covers is better than this beach-harem shot.• • •
#23: Daniela Pestova, 2000Nice hip-thrust, beautiful bikini bottom, but that’s about all this cover has going for it. The necklaces are ugly and gangly, the facial expression is dead-eyed, even the landscape is kind of grey and post-apocalyptic. Daniela is gorgeous (her 1995 cover is much higher on this list), but this cover doesn’t do her justice.• • •
#22: Elle Macpherson, 1986The first of Elle’s covers is also the most bewildering. It’s an unflattering suit and a goofy pose, without a hint of the glories that Ms. Macpherson would attain in subsequent years. (I love you, Elle. Your other covers are much higher.)• • •
#21: Beyoncé, 2007I’ve stated before that I thought putting a non-model on the cover was a bit of a misfire, and maybe that is affecting my judgment. But this cover just kind of sits there.• • •
#20: Kathy Ireland, 1989Great face, and a perfect museum-quality example of late-80s hair. Everyone was kind of gaga about Kathy on the 25th anniversary cover, but I found it to be a little bland.• • •
#19: Judit Masco, 1990Cute cover, and I like seeing the contour of the bikini bottom as it crests her hips. But not the most memorable shot, and it seems like a dim echo of Paulina’s 1985 cover.• • •
#18: Ashley Richardson, 1991What other swimsuit issue cover has inspired an Off-Off-Broadway play? Ashley Richardson (Montana, here) demonstrates what is wonderful about a one-piece. A beautiful cover, but a little rote.• • •
#17: Elsa Benitez, 2001The whole is less than the sum of the parts. Elsa is freaking gorgeous, and she looks great in this bikini. (There are other shots of her in this same suit that prove it.) But I suspect her face has been touched up all the way to Uncanny Valley.• • •
#16: Carolyn Murphy, 2005Classic blonde-in-a-red-bikini theme. Cute “Oops, my top has come undone—whatever shall I do?” scenario. But the pose is kind of an odd choice for the cover.• • •
#15: Tyra Banks, 1997This cover pioneered the “thumbs hooked in the bikini bottom” look that would be championed by later cover girls Marisa Miller and Bar Refaeli. Fantastic body, but the face has a wax-museum vacancy that emphasizes Tyra’s slightly alien look.• • •
#14: Yamila Diaz, 2002This is another cover, like Elsa in 2001, that should be better than it is. Yamila is a breathtaking model, and she’s sitting there in a red bikini—how could you go wrong? Face and cleavage: beautiful. But the pose is awkward from the waist down.• • •
#13: Vendela, 1993Weird suit, but a very sleek look. Vendela uses her icy princess face to its best advantage, like a sexy vanilla ice cream cone.• • •
#12: Veronica Varekova, 2004This cover was originally lower in my ranking, but it benefits from extended viewing. Veronica is flawless. All that silky skin, the dangling top, and the seductive thumb-bite work wonders. It’s also one of only two truly butt-centric cover shots in SI history. (This is the other.)• • •
#11: Valeria Mazza and Tyra Banks, 1996I love how playful this is. It’s a very kinetic picture—you can almost see them undulating, hips and shoulders shimmying, hair flying in the breeze. And the leopard print? This picture takes the cheesiness and owns it.• • •
#10: Heidi Klum, 1998Great girl, great suit, great pose, great cleavage. Heidi is one of the most beautiful women ever to walk the earth, but her facial expression in this photo leaves something to be desired. A little more softness, or a smile, and this would have probably been in the top five.• • •
#9: Elle Macpherson, Kathy Ireland, and Rachel Hunter, 1994I was a little dismissive of this cover in the past, but I have to admit, that’s a lot of wonderful pulchritude on display here.• • •
#8: Irina Shayk, 2011Without the benefit of distance, I’m placing this year’s in the top ten. Gorgeous body. Sexy suit. Irina is presenting her breasts like a tray of canapés. But her face is a little waxen, which leads me to suspect that this cover may sink in my rankings as the years go by.• • •
#7: Brooklyn Decker, 2010Last year’s cover also makes the top ten. Beautiful, curvy girl, smiling and sun-kissed in yellow. What’s not to like?• • •
#6: Petra Nemcova, 2003What a beautiful girl. That flirty little squint reveals so much of Petra’s personality. It’s like she’s caught you watching her adjust her string—but she’s not going to stop. And let’s not beat around the bush: those breasts are heart-stopping.• • •
#5: Paulina Porizkova, 1985My first swimsuit issue. I love how friendly Paulina looks as she offers up her hip for your inspection and enjoyment.• • •
#4: Rebecca Romijn, 1999Just magnificent. That pose, that sculpted body, pretty much the Platonic ideal of a swimsuit issue cover.• • •
#3: Elle Macpherson, 1988Sultry! The staring-down-the-camera look can come off as corny, but Elle pulls it off very nicely, her huge brown eyes glaring from behind the mussed overhang of her luxurious hair.• • •
#2: Daniela Pestova, 1995I love the angle of her body. I love the legs-together pose. I love the beginnings of a smirk and the way she plays with her top.• • •
#1: Elle Macpherson, 1987Ladies and gentlemen, the best swimsuit issue cover of my time. Elle Macpherson at her peak, sopping wet, staring at you with a warm and flirtatious grin. She presents her body in a suit cut as high on the hips as only the mid-to-late 80s could deliver. The greatest SI model in the greatest of her five cover appearances.

These rankings are purely subjective and subject to change from one day to the next.